according to webmd's clinical depression page, i currently embody 7 of the 11 listed symptoms.
i think i'm going to come clean here, once and for all. i don't know why i'm choosing to do it now. for months it was about finding the right person to tell it to; but now i realize that it's more about just saying it and being honest with it. maybe it's because the text messages started up again. maybe it's because i meant to get this off my chest tonight, anyway. but waiting only exacerbates the problem.
i have struggled with on-and-off depression for the past five years. i've never had it diagnosed - maybe because mental illnesses don't tend to play very well in asian families. i've never really admitted it outright to anybody, not even to myself. since the beginning of high school, i have periodically had "feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness," "feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism," "irritability, restlessness," "persistent sad, anxious, or 'empty' feelings," and "thoughts of suicide/suicide attempts." more recently i have dealt with "difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions," "fatigue and decreased energy," and "insomnia, early morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping."
it has always been a problem that i believed i could handle alone, or something that would eventually pass. but i realize now that it's not. it's abnormal for me to have the same issues cropping up over and over again - the same morbid thoughts, the same neuroticism, the same inability to trust. yes, there were times in the past five years where i have felt truly happy, but in the end, it all came back to the same old depression.
it is pathetic to admit this, but it's always some girl who sends me into these abysses. that's part of the reason i never really felt that i was depressed - that other people have so much more real problems, and that i have it easy. but regardless of what it is that makes us feel like shit, depression is depression and it's the same disease. perhaps some of us are weaker for caving in to such smaller problems, but that doesn't change how it affects us. with the first girl, i'm not sure if i ever eventually forgot about her and the pain on my own, or if it was the second girl who took that pain away. and with the second girl...
goddamn, i miss you, danica. it's amazing to think about the extent to which i cared for you, and still do. sometimes, when we're texting, it feels like nothing's changed - and then i remember that nothing is the same again. i was happiest when i was with you, but at the cost of everything else in my life. perhaps ignorance truly is bliss, and being stupid with you and not noticing was the cause of that happiness. and now, look at us now. i can't bear to think of you in your new life, and i always wonder if you ever think about me at all anymore. no, i haven't gotten over you. it still hurts. i still look forward to your text messages like they're the fucking highlight of my day, even if they only started up again after i wished you a happy birthday. even though there are subtle reminders in every message that everything is different now, and that you're no longer in my life. and that you no longer want me in your life. and our relationship will never reach the strength of the friendship we had before, ever again.
there have been two incidents in the past 12 months (give or take) that i truly regret. my biggest regret is pushing janus, jimmy, and everyone else away last april. i said things that should never have even been thought, but my mindset was warped enough to think that what i was saying was right. in retrospect, i really needed to grow up. the scars of that outburst have still not faded, and it hurts so fucking much to talk to them and realize it's still not the fucking same. and it's all my fault. it's my fault because in my little sheltered fantasy world with you and me in it, i wanted to control what my friends did without me even though all my attention was focused on you and i should have had no say in it. it's my fault because i was spending so much time with you and letting my friends slip away, and instead of remedying that by (the obvious solution) spending more time with them i lashed out at them and ended up ruining everything. to this day, it feels like i'm still being punished for something i did so long ago. and even though i've learned my lesson, i honestly deserve so much worse than this for what i did. i'm grateful that at least they talk to me now, because i don't deserve friends as good as them.
my other big mistake occurred last october. i guess i could blame it as being one of those nights where the pain was still raw and i was thinking about you, but that can't be all it. lashing out at chris that night essentially set into motion everything that happened this freshman year of college. and while some parts of it have been great, i can't help but think that it could've been better. i no longer talk to chris as much as i used to; he's found other friends who, frankly, are so much better for him than i am. who can provide the support for him that he needs. it hurts because we're always in the room together so often, and more often than not it's just silence. which was bound to happen, but this silence cuts me pretty deep because i still constantly think about that night every time i see him and i wish i could take it back. i believe it has affected my freshman year really fucking deeply; hell, i could probably trace this entire friend group we have here at northwestern to that one incident. we're rooming with different people next year - chris told me a few months ago that it feels like by doing this, he's "chosen sides." and while i reassured him that it wasn't, i couldn't help but think a tiny part of him was right. but at least he chose the better side. we'll never be as close as we used to be, and it hurts. it really does. but he deserves better anyway.
i have anger issues, and i have alcohol problems. i feel like college has made me grow up and face these and finally put them to rest. i really do believe i have become calmer and more patient, more likely to think things through than to act rashly upon them and get myself into situations like the above. and with my alcohol problems, i find that as i've become more exposed to drinking around me that while it is unhealthy and i disagree with it, it's something i can't control and a choice other people make for themselves.
these things keep biting at me, every day. without fail, every single day i will think about these things. i think about danica what seems like once an hour; i remember the fear in chris's eyes that night when i lashed out at him; i remember bits and pieces of direct quotes from the blog posts that janus and jimmy rightly tore into me with. and none of it helps with the fact that i am battling the longest, hardest battle of my life, but they're things that i did to myself and i have no excuse for them.
sigh. if i'm really going to come totally clean here... this needs to be said. i find it foolish to continue keeping my suicide attempts a secret. the first one was in junior year, which in all actuality was a perfectly good year. but at some point, stress built up and i was ready to finish things (rather rashly, as i was prone to do back then). it came to a boil when my mother and i got into an argument about... schoolwork? working too hard? a failing grade? i don't know. but eventually i found myself with a kitchen knife in my hand against my wrists as my mother yelled at me to put it down. i don't know if she remembers, or if she's put it out of her memory. i feel ashamed for having had to confront my mother with my issues. my mother was right, anyway. i don't blame my parents for pushing me to succeed. i only blame myself for letting it get to a point where i was willing to give up so much for that success. even now i feel like i need to succeed in my future. and i'm not sure i will, and it scares me that i don't quite know how i'll react when i inevitably fail.
the most recent one was only last june. it was the night before graduation. i had my speech on the table in front of me, and everyone was asleep. this was two weeks after my mental breakdown on the last day of class in the middle of the atrium, but the pain was just so, so raw. i went into the kitchen and pulled out a variety of pills - headache pills, indigestion pills, some whack-ass chinese medicine that does i don't even know what. i took a lot of pills that night at 3 in the morning. and then i kind of just lay there on the kitchen floor for a few hours and waited. i'm not quite sure how much time passed with me on the kitchen floor. i honestly thought i was going to die. i picked myself up and went back to sleep before my parents woke up, and went to graduation. i don't know how graduation would've went down if i hadn't been there. the stomach pain i had for the first two weeks of summer vacation was in no way related to any barbecue food; it was some sort of internal problem from ingesting so much medicine at once. but i played it off as a stomach virus, because it was just easier to admit that than to tell people i had come that close to death, all because of a stupid girl.
death is something i think about a lot. it was fairly recently, today or yesterday, where i was just thinking about how people would react to my death. and how i wish i could live to see it. would it mean anything to you? i wish i still mattered to you. i remember thinking a lot about death when i was alone in hong kong because my stomach confined me to indoors, and how it would have been so easy to jump out the fourth floor window. i remember vividly talking to chris one of those days, and asking him not to ask any questions but to just talk to me. and honestly, he saved me that morning. i think a lot about what life will be like for the people i've met after my death. trust me guys, it honestly gets a lot better for you guys after you forget about me, after the first few months or so. i think about how the argument against suicide is that it is selfish because it effectively "robs" everyone else of your presence, but counter that with the idea that it's also selfish to stubbornly continue to live when your entire existence is pointless, directionless, and only succeeds in making other people miserable. because you're still putting your own desires ahead of everyone else's. hell, it's conceited to think that your presence is important enough to mean anything to anyone once you're gone. what if the only robbery occurring is the robbery of everyone else's time, resources, and opportunities because of your prolonged existence?
i have good days. i have bad days. i have days where i wake up and just don't feel like moving. i have days where the only thing on my mind is death, and how interesting it would be to see others' reactions to my death, or how hopeless it is to continue living. even now, my depression continues to affect my daily life. i find it difficult to fall asleep, but it's so easy to wake up in the morning. and when i do wake up in the morning, i just don't want to move sometimes. i find myself having so much trouble with school because i can't concentrate or remember things well anymore. i constantly feel like shit because so many other people are doing better than me in school, because i don't feel like i'm good enough, because i think everyone around me deserves the company of a better, happier, kinder person than the flawed, broken person i am. i am constantly irritable and don't want to see people. yes, there are good days, but i can't find myself to enjoy them when the bad days are this bad.
i have days where i completely forgive her, and completely forgive myself. i have days where i completely collapse on the floor when i'm alone and break down crying. i have days where i feel like i can maturely handle everything that's coming my way. i have days where the slightest mention will trigger an immediate negative response from me. i have days where i look forward to my classes and the people i see every day. i have days where i lock my bedroom door, turn off the lights, and just sit in the middle of the room so i can't hurt anyone else. i have become volatile and unpredictable. my instability scares me.
i know that when people see this, questions will be asked... but really, it was hard enough finally spilling this out, and i don't want to answer any of them. i had intended to eventually tell this to someone - but i never really found that person, not here at northwestern nor back home. i mean, i tried - to find people at aaiv, to write letters to people and hope someone would respond, but it's difficult to talk to people about things like this. i don't want to feel like a burden to anyone like danica felt i was to her, and she was the only person i could ever tell everything to anyway. but the important part here wasn't who to say it to, but just saying it. and it feels like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders when i hold myself bare like this. i only ask for the continued support from my friends as i keep fighting this motherfucking depression. i don't know a lot about what i want, but i do know that i want to get better.
